Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith–more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire–may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
1 Peter 1:3-7
During our time at MTI, we learned about some ducks. The first duck was clean and happy with a permanent smile on his face. His name was Yay Duck, and he loved life and all it had to offer. He couldn’t help but see the bright side of things, and he enjoyed pointing them out. The second duck was dirty, sad, and altogether depressing. His name was Yuck Duck, and for the life of him, he couldn’t find one thing to be happy about. Both ducks were content where the were, and sometimes they had a hard time understanding the other.
When Yay Duck was having a great day, which honestly was every day, Yuck Duck couldn’t stand being around him. And when Yuck Duck was having a particularly disgusting day, Yay Duck would spend hours trying to pull him out of the sad pit he was living in. Neither duck could understand why the other one was the way he was, and it was starting to affect their friendship.
One day, Yuck Duck fell in a mud puddle for the third time, and instead of pointing out that at least it wasn’t the fourth time, Yay Duck simply said, “I’m sorry. That’s no fun.” Suddenly, Yuck Duck felt heard, understood, and cared about. Yay Duck didn’t need to try to make him happy, he just needed to meet him where he was. And when Yay Duck had something to celebrate, Yuck Duck didn’t need to point out the fact that pretty soon something was going to crush it. He just needed to celebrate with Yay Duck.
See, we live in a constant paradox, or “pair-of-ducks.” There is always something imperfect, and always something to rejoice in. We can feel happy and sad simultaneously. We can feel scared and excited. And it’s ok.
That’s where my family is and has been for most of this year. We are excited about this new adventure we find ourselves on, yet we’re scared about what it’s going to entail. We’re more than ready to get on that plane in a little over a week, yet our hearts are wrenched with the thought of saying goodbye to our family. We were relieved to sell our house and most of our belongings, yet we long for the comfort of a place to call our own. Somewhere not in someone else’s space.
It’s difficult for me to fully describe how I’ve felt. Since leaving MTI, I’ve been a little absent on the internet. Some of that is because of the pace we’ve been running, but most of it is because I’ve felt lost at how to articulate it. Am I excited? Of course. Am I sad? Of course. And I don’t know how else to say it.
I’m afraid that I’m not going to be able to tell all of you how I’m feeling or what’s going on in my heart. I have felt such confusion on how to describe this stage of my life.
We’re doing good, going from one place to another. There are times that we’re laughing so hard we cry, and we’ve loved seeing everyone. The boys are getting to see and meet so many new friends and play with new toys everywhere we go. We’ve learned to live out of our car, and I’ve enjoyed not having to cook and clean. 🙂
But I’m also sick of it. I’m tired of having to bring in our clothes everywhere we go. I’m done with chasing our kids around the houses we go to because everything is new and they want to touch it. Not having a routine or a constant diet or constant anything has worn me down. And I’m just ready to be done with all of it.
I’ve been describing it as if I’m in my ninth month of pregnancy. I’ve prepared, everything is ready, and now all that’s left to do is wait. And I don’t care how painful it is, I’m ready. For the pain and the aches and the tears. Because at the end, is a beautiful gift. One that is formed in the image of God Himself. He has had this planned from the beginning of time, and what a privilege to be a part of it.
So if I can’t fully say what I’m feeling, please show grace. When I blog about the difficulties, please know that there are also mirrored joys. The ducks go together. The sorrows and joys are joined. And God is to be praised through it all!